The following post summarizes how the last year has really transformed me (for the better and the worst). I have faced many trials, tribulations and adversities in 2019, but that hasn’t stopped me from being resilient. For those reading, I hope this first blog post gives you an overall understanding of how my recent experiences have shaped me into the person I am today.
Personal Relationship Woes
I’m going to throw it back to early 2019, where I was in a long-term relationship for over four years. I had been in a very vulnerable state of mind for up to a year at that point, where I encountered a lot of challenges in my relationship. Many of these revolved around trust, insecurities, pride, ego, and respect. This roller coaster ride spanned through an entire year of ups and downs, when we finally called it quits in March 2019.
It took me a long time to realize what a healthy relationship looked like and meant to me. So, moving forward, I knew that I needed to set boundaries early on and to never settle for less than what I deserved. Personal relationships tend to have an incredible impact on one’s self-esteem and self-love, and this one had that same affect. To each their own when it comes to emotional processes and how someone deals with hardships, but ultimately, this stage in my life tested me beyond no other. Many lessons were learned during this trying time but I am grateful as I would not have experienced the self-growth that I needed in order to realize what I truly wanted and deserved in my life.
New Milestone: Home Ownership
Through out this troubling time, came some exciting new life milestones. I was at the phase in my life where I was tired of renting, wanted to have an asset, and knew I had to dive into the housing market game asap. With that ambition in mind, I purchased my first home in February of last year – all on my own! After failing the first time and losing my ideal home in a multiple offer scenario, I was back to hunting for another option. It was only a few weeks later that my real estate agent messaged me to say that the house I put my original offer on was back on the market. In my head, I thought, “here we go! This is the universe trying to tell me something!”. This time around, I was able to put in an offer over asking price and after lots of back and forth between seller and buyer, it was mine! Overall, I knew it to be an amazing accomplishment, although the excitement was hindered by the emotional distress of my ending relationship. Never the less, I was looking forward to this brand new chapter.
Well-Deserved Sunshine & Bottomless Drinks
At the end of March 2019, I had the opportunity to go on a vacation down south to the Dominican Republic with my brother and his girlfriend. It was a much deserved, well needed trip to unwind and focus on some relaxation. This was the first real vacation I had taken in many years and was exactly what I needed to let go, be free, and genuinely enjoy myself again. My time was well-spent sunbathing, drinking, dancing, making new friends, adventuring and soaking in the ocean breeze. I wasn’t ready to come back to our rainy, cold Canadian weather quite yet but paradise here wasn’t meant to last forever. It was good-bye warmth and sun-kissed skin, hello dreary Canadian spring!
When My World Began to Truly Fall Apart
When I arrived back in Ottawa, my parents wanted to come visit me as they usually do. They came Saturday afternoon to my condo downtown (at the time) to hang out, shop and run errands together. As my parents entered my apartment, I noticed something quite strange with my mom – she seemed like she was having balance issues and a bit of weakness. Right away, my intuitive health background kicked in and started to assess the situation. As she sat down on my couch, I was speaking to her and she was trying to explain something to me when I realized what she was saying wasn’t making much sense, indicating confusion in her speech. My first initial thought was she was having or recently had a stroke. So, I took her and my dad to the nearest hospital emergency department. After a few hours of waiting and a CT scan later, the ER attending physician came to our observation bay with the hardest news I have ever had to hear. She informed us that they found a large mass in my mom’s left frontal-temporal lobe. My entire body went numb as I tried my best to keep my composure and process the information. My initial thoughts were, “holy shit, this isn’t real”, but after digesting the news, I knew that it was in fact my new reality. Fast forward through her diagnosis, surgery, recovery and discharge from the hospital, she seemed to be actually doing OK (for her situation). The photo below was taken on the day she left the hospital after being in-patient for almost two months.
Since that spring, she has been hospitalized two more times – both seizure related, putting her in the hospital again in October and December for 10 day stays. As you can imagine, the battle is no where close to being won. My mom is stubborn and she’s a fighter, so I know she won’t give up easily. While going through this experience with her and my family, I’ve struggled with both caregiver burnout and my own mental health. It hasn’t been easy nor do I suspect it to become easier over time. Currently, I am going through the grieving process of my mom’s disease where it feels like I have already lost her to this aggressive cancer. Brain cancers are so different from other cancers, where depending on the cortex the tumour is in – it will affect you differently. For my mom, her tumour was located in her left frontal-temporal lobe, impacting her comprehension, language, emotions and memory. So, as her disease progresses and her quality of life declines, I lose more and more of her each day.
I have been fortunate that the Brain Cancer Foundation of Canada exists for both cancer patients, caregivers, friends and families. I have sought out support through their programs and participated in various in-person and virtual support groups which have helped strengthen me in this long-lasting battle with my mom’s cancer. If you are interested, you can donate to this amazing organization by clicking here.
Finding Hope and Love Again
So far, this year hasn’t been an easy one to manage but as much as the universe has taken from me, it also gave me something that I am forever thankful for. In April of 2019 as I was visiting my mom in the hospital on the daily, I was still working through my feelings towards being single and having to put myself out there again. Funny enough, I was working part-time with Bumble* (the social networking app) here in Ottawa – so of course, I made a dating profile in hopes of finding new people to meet and take my mind off of all the negative things happening. I had met a few people on the app, but no one special that really captivated me, that is, until I matched with my current boyfriend, Eric. He’s a whole other blog post or page even, so I won’t get into it now. But let’s just say, we recently celebrated our one-year anniversary, and I couldn’t be happier.
In summary, 2019 was a hell of a year. By the end of it, I was experiencing a mixed bag of emotions. I am incredibly grateful to my family, friends and Eric for helping me navigate through this extremely difficult time in my life. Without their support, I do not think I would be where I am today. It takes a great deal of self-awareness to accept when life throws you curveballs and to be able to bounce back when it feels almost next to impossible. The following list are a few things I am continuously working on to help keep myself afloat and to establish inner-strength:
- Be kind to yourself
- Let go of what no longer serves you
- Live in the present moment
- Set aside time for yourself to practice self-care and self-love
- Life wasn’t meant to be fair.
Living by these so-called “guidelines” has really helped me to understand myself a lot more, and process the emotions running through me – not just suppress them. I am fortunate that in addition to the opportunity to seek professional help, I was able to lean on my support network. Most of the time, I know that no one truly understands what I am going through, unless they’ve been through a similar journey. But it’s always nice to let out my emotions and cry when I need to.
Remembering to be kind to myself is something I try to say daily because it’s easy to beat yourself up over absolutely anything and everything. I remind myself that I am doing the best that I can, and that is all that anyone can ever ask of me. The second point of letting go of what no longer serves me is important because I cannot let my past hold me down or keep me trapped in a mindset that will stop me from moving forward in life. If something does not serve me now, in the present, then I let go of that idea or thought immediately. It’s easier said than done to live in the present moment, but I truly resonate with the following quote:
“If you are depressed you are living in the past.
If you are anxious you are living in the future.
If you are at peace you are living in the present.”
I seek peace, and therefore actively choose to live in the present moment as often and as consciously as I can. Although peacefulness has been hard to come by, I attempt to take time out of my day to do an act of self-love or self-care. I’ve been holding down the fort for a lot of things, so some days I just need to take a breather and care for myself first. That’s one of the biggest lessons I learned early on – you have to put yourself first or you will not be able to fully help or support your loved one. The caretaker burnout is real, and I suspect my journey ahead will not be easy. But I am confident that with the love and support of my family and friends, I will be able to overcome it and come out stronger in the end.
Lastly, life wasn’t made to be fair. There’s no where in the instructions to life or guide to living, that guaranteed a perfect, euphoric world 24/7. By understanding this and accepting it, I learned to cope with my mother’s cancer diagnosis and disease. You are dealt a hand of cards in life, and it is up to you, the player, to decide how you want to play your hand. I find comfort in knowing that I am not alone, and I have a solid group of people to help me get through this thing we call life.
Thank you for taking the time to read my first post. This content was vulnerable to write, but it shines light on many important pieces of who I am. So, please keep supporting and reading away. I can’t wait to share more with you. If you want to find out more about me, please visit this fun FAQ here. Until next time!
With love and gratitude,
*This blog post has no affiliation or sponsorship by Bumble. Just a true and honest love success story.
