Have you ever been in an argument or intense discussion with someone and you feel a sudden rush of emotions? Maybe something they said was triggering and you instantly react. Reactivity could look like immediate withdrawal from the conversation or situation, or the opposite where you “act out” and let out all your emotions at once.
For me, I am continuously trying to work on my reactivity and emotional sensitivity when it comes to communication with my partner. I am very fortunate to have an amazing boyfriend who I can communicate openly with, where I face no judgment and a wealth of loving support. However, it wasn’t so easy for me to express myself freely in my previous experiences. I struggled with regulating my emotions and therefore lacked the ability to voice my true opinions or feelings. If I was able to muster anything, it probably wasn’t the right message I wanted to get across. This is something I am working on daily, and to my good fortune, I am blessed with someone who encourages me to express myself – emotions & all. Now, I want to share with you the conversation that influenced this blog post.
You are allowed to be both a masterpiece and a work in progress, simultaneously.”
Sophia Bush
What are Moody Minutes?
The other day, Eric and I were having a conversation on the couch when I gave him some “sass” as we like to call it. When we’re in the grey area of sometimes being annoyed, we tend to ask one another if they’re being sassy. He proceeded to jokingly tell me I’m out of moody minutes. I laughed and then paused for a second to think, “Hey, that’s a great idea to reference! We should use that when we need to acknowledge our behaviour and re-check ourselves to see if our mood makes sense in that moment”.
This got me thinking about how sometimes it’s very challenging for people to regulate their emotions in heightened situations. This led me to write about and share the following strategies to help you ground your emotions, whether during a tough conversation with someone or when you are by yourself. This post centres around conversations with a partner, but keep reading to see how these strategies can be transferable to other relationships too.
Strategies to Ground Your Emotions & Self-regulate
1. Learn to consciously breathe
This is the first and foremost thing I always try to do when I get worked up emotionally (even though it’s forgettable at times). It really helps to calm your nervous system. Sometimes I experience really heavy hyperventilation when I cry and I have to remind myself to breathe slowly so that I don’t get the numbness, tingly feeling. This type of exertion is super hard on your body and definitely does not feel great. By being able to shift your breathing pattern and rate, you can stimulate your body’s parasympathetic system. This causes an overall “calming” response, where your body slows down and relaxes.
Try breathing in slowly, filing up your lungs to max capacity – then hold your breath for 3-5 seconds and slowly release your breath from your mouth with pursed lips. Do this a few times, and it will help to calm any erratic breathing or crying spells you might have.
2. Identify your emotions
Emotions can be overwhelming at times. You might feel an abundance of emotions running through your body, or just a select one or two. It’s important to acknowledge what you are experiencing in the present moment. By being able to label your emotions, you can better notice how your feelings may affect your behaviour, reaction or decisions. A great way to think about this is “you name it and then you tame it”. You will start to feel a separation from the emotion itself, allowing you to have a sense of emotional freedom. A study in 2007 by Creswell & colleagues, found that when difficult emotions are labeled, your amygdala (the part of your brain that senses danger), becomes less active, and therefore less likely to trigger a stress response in your body.
So, once you start feeling that on-coming rush of emotions, take a minute to actively pause to think about what and how you are feeling. Ask yourself some reflective questions like, “what do I feel right now?” or “why am I feeling this emotion?”. This will help alleviate some fight or flight responses and prepare you to better continue your conversation with a calmer mind and body.
3. Practice self-awareness
The act of self-awareness is a tough one. It takes a lot of effort and energy to be self-aware at times, but it all comes with intentional practice. It is the ability to see yourself through clear reflection and introspection. After you identify and label the emotions you are feeling, it is important to check-in with yourself to try to reflect upon the emotions you are experiencing. This type of awareness helps you to see the perspective of others and leads to better self-control and decision-making. This ties in well with asking those reflective questions from above.
3. Pause before over analyzing or jumping to conclusions
This really has to do with your mind’s innate sense to react. For example, let’s say you are having a discussion with your partner and they state that they’re mad at you for not helping out enough with chores around the house. You may immediately feel defensive and react in a manner which reflects this so call “attack on your character” (if you were interpreting the comment that way). I think it’s incredibly helpful to do strategy #1 (breathe), and then instead of jumping to defend yourself, ask your partner to further explain themselves. This will help you get a better understanding of their intent and purpose of the comment, versus focusing on the words that they had said.
I know I’ve been in times where I think I am active listening, but instead I am zoned in on the one thing that really nerved me, just waiting to retaliate with my own comment. But hey, if their explanation still sucks, you can either ask for more clarification or by all means, go ahead and speak your mind. I just know it’s a courteous gesture to give the person the benefit of the doubt before reacting in a way that may escalate the situation.
5. Ask for a break & re-group when ready
It’s totally okay to ask for a break and to resume once you’re able to focus on the subject matter instead of your emotions. You are allowed to take a breather and to step away from a conversation or situation that has you really worked up. Don’t ever feel like you should be forced out of your own will to sit there uncomfortably to come up with a solution. If you do this, you will most likely come up with a rushed solution that is not beneficial to both parties. If you are really feeling overwhelmed, be courageous enough to voice that to your partner. They should be receptive of this. It may also be a good idea to have this conversation with them to let them know this is what you need. Set it as a known precedence in your relationship.
6. Set moody minutes
The concept of moody minutes is to allow yourself to feel what you need to, but also acknowledging that your emotions should not consume you. By setting a moody minutes allowance (whether per day, week or situation), you are able to have control over your emotions, rather than having them control you.
For example, you can give yourself a maximum 10 minute time frame, where you cry your heart out, yell into a pillow or sit in complete silence. However, once those 10 minutes are up, you start practicing strategies 2 thru 5. Don’t feel like you have to suppress your emotions within, because it does wonders to be able to relieve yourself of any pent up feelings. It’s quite cathartic to say the least. But again, after your set amount of moody minutes are up, try to re-shift your focus on thinking about why you are experiencing these emotions and proceed from there.
Apply These Strategies to the Rest of Your Relationships
These strategies are transferable outside of personal romantic relationships. You can implement them in the workplace, or within family and friend relationships as well. It is all relative to the situational context in which you are experiencing. This list can help in specific one on one/group situations, or in daily life practices for your own self-growth and emotional intelligence.
Being able to speak freely and not walk on egg shells is incredibly liberating. I have been at fault for not allowing this in my previous relationships by overshadowing them with my emotions. But now that I have developed better strategies for myself for these situations, I am able to have a productive conversation versus one where my emotions take control. It’s important to do your best at not suppressing your feelings. I hope that there’s a safe environment for you to practice these strategies, and that you can feel like you’re in control of you.
The best advice I’ve given myself is to never let your emotions run you. You are the driver of the car (your body & mind), and your emotions are what sit in the passenger seat. They’re there for the ride, but you can easily ask them to GTFO whenever you want, because it’s your car. You own it!
Let me know in the comments if you found this article helpful. I would love to hear your feedback!
With love & gratitude,
